1. On arrival, visitors must stroke The Cat’s back if it is more than three stairs above the hall floor.

2. At least 2cm of milk is to be left in each cereal bowl after breakfast. The bowls are to be placed within easy reach of The Cat.

3. No dried food containing vegetables of any kind is to be placed in The Cat’s feeding dishes.

4. A new sachet of cat treats must be purchased before the old sachet is finished.

5. Clean water must be provided before 11 pm (23.00hr).

6. It is the responsibility of the carer to avoid stepping on a tail or other part of the feline anatomy stretched out on the stairs; not The Cat’s to remove itself.

7. Dead prey animals are to remain untouched on the patio for at least four hours.

8. Appropriate veterinary care must be provided 24/7 so that rat bites to the shoulder or other parts of The Cat can be treated immediately even at 9pm on a Saturday night. Staff at the facility are required to be lavish in their praise of The Cat.

9. Sleeping arrangements are at The Cat’s discretion even where they cause inconvenience to the carers.

10. All other cats are to be summarily ejected from The Cat’s residence, especially when attempting access through the cat flap.

11. The Cat is not obliged to divulge where on earth it has been for the past 24 hours.

12. A full packet of Dreamies cat treats should accompany The Cat on its visits to a cattery. The cattery should be one that includes “luxury” in its title.